Something is different this time.

I love Mondays,
There is something so "new" about a Monday. A good day to start "anew"...

I have actually had enough of this freaking fat.

It's insane that I keep on and on "trying".. and always failing.. oh.. I HAVE lost large amounts of weight before… but I just played around with keeping it off….

I realize now that I am addicted to sweets and most carbs. I can’t just have a "little".. bread. It just sets me off. I can eat a half of a box of cereal in one sitting.. I am so unhappy with the way I look and feel. It’s freaking insane. This is my drug of choice as much as any other addicted person. Sugar is evil for me. It takes away my self control.

I had lost 50 pounds a few months ago, I have gained thirty back.
I kept trying over and over. Well.. not really.

I know in actuality I am just "sort of trying", not doing. And …
Something has changed.

Patrick and I went thru our kitchen yesterday and got rid (sorry, I threw it away.. but it was cathertic in a way.. sort of a release of frustration) of probably $75 worth of food, anything that would not support us and they way we are going to eat from now on.. was in the trash.

It's almost as if I am resigned to this. I just don't care about anything anymore other than this weight. It is all I can focus on.

I don't care about my gem store, I don't care about keeping my house clean, I don't care about keeping up with my friends, I don’t care about what I might be "giving up" food wise either, I just don't freaking care anymore about any of it!

All I care about right now is doing this one thing I have been struggling with for freaking 10 years.

I have this sort of stillness inside now. I feel almost calm. Yes.. resigned is a good word to describe it.
You watch.
Something is different this time. Mark my words.



237pounds today - Stared Low Carb on the 14th @ 244pounds