OK.. this really does suck...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seriously. I really, REALLY am. I have this inkling I am truly not living my life. I feel like so much must be passing me by and NOW on top of being fat, I am sick? WTF!
I am trying to look at it as another way for me to be “guided” (yes I am very metaphysical). I wonder if I am so sad a person that it has taken me being really, horridly sick to truly kick me in the ass. What AM I suppposed to take from this?
I actually feel like I have really been doing my best, well MOST of the time. But in reality I have been “trying” to get this damn fat off for over 3 years. I am SICK AND FREAKING TIRED OF “pussy footing” around (for lack of a better term?). I feel like I am just watching my life sort of tick away.. sitting on the sidelines. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself right now. I need to get out and at least lay in the sun I think.
I might be a bit emotional because I am feeling like damn hell lately but what if I allowed myself to just never do it?. How in the hell am I going to feel a year from now if AGAIN I am in the same place. I keep thinking about that today.
I also have been wanting to just not eat.. even if I get hungry. Is it wrong to want to use a 5# weight loss that happened because I was sick to push me into losing more? It feels wrong.. like I am not taking care of myself but I WANT to get some more weight off.. I normally lose so slow. I know it's not healthy thinking though.
I am afraid I am going to go overboard and start to not eat, on purpose. I feel like my old disordered eating ways could come back to haunt me. I am afraid. I have these feelings in my mind like I should just “use this not wanting to eat” to push myself into losing a few more pounds. Whatever.
I have got to get a grip!
Summer is almost here and I wanted more than anything to be comfortable in at least a pair of shorts. I really did. Why am I feeling so depressed? It’s really not like me actually. I promise to have a better attitude tomorrow!
1 comment:
I have days like this frequently! I could have written what you just wrote (minus the being sick). I often wonder if I will truly ever be able to kick this food thing...I mean for good. To make myself feel better, all I can say is that I keep fighting. I don't have all of the answers and I feel your pain. It's okay to not pretend like everything is wonderful 100% of the time. It's life, and life isn't perfect, but it is beautiful and we must go on.
Hugs girlfriend- you need them today!!!
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