Some musings on being “40 something”.

If you are close to my age you might remember "A Clockwork Orange".. one of my fav. movies.. He was SUCH a horrid person in this movie but I've always thought he was too damn good looking.
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Ah.. 40 something.. whatever.. I am 46. I was thinking this morning about how
I don’t think I will ever be able to just relax and be happy with my body.. to me this always feels like “just let myself go” and be happy being overweight. I want to be in amazing shape when I turn 50.

I think about diet and nutrition and the way I feel and my appearance, constantly. I don’t think I will age “gracefully”.. I am sure I will fight and kick and scream at “old”.

I feel very young “inside”. I think it’s because Patrick and I didn’t have children. I think I have never truly grown up. I am not sure if that is good or bad but it is what it is.

I know that I will get to my goal – whatever that goal will end up being I am yet to decide. I think just happy in my own skin and svelte. I like that word “svelte”.. I don’t like “skinny”.. it makes me think of a bag of bones.

I see so many women my age that just appear to have given up. Maybe I am vain but I can't. I might be missing out on some kind of happiness, but I just can't.

You see many women that are older and look superb. They are sleek and look great. I saw this one women, she may have been 50, in a bar the other day. I had met a friend of mine for a drink and a salad.

This woman was slender and had straight blond shoulder length hair. Her makeup was simple, her clothes were classic and she looked very comfortable in her own skin. She had on jeans and black high heels, a simple sheer white silk looking tank with a gray short sleeve shirt over. She had on a long silver chain with gray pearls spaced throughout it (I am a jewelry designer and kept the image of it in my head - I am going to make myself something similar).

I thought to myself, this is the look I want. She looked approachable and yet seriously great. I bet she hardly ever eats. I know the older you get, the less you can eat and keep a nice shape. I am still lucky that I am overweight.. I can actually eat a decent amt. of calories and still lose.

The last couple of days have been great. My appetite is well under control. I ate at around 1200 cal on Sunday and 1700 on Monday. (shooting for between 1100 and 1800 a day). Today I am really not hungry yet at all.. it's already 1pm and I have not had to eat yet. I AM craving a skim milk cappuccino..lucky me that I have my own machine! I can make a lovely one with a dusting of cinnamon for only 50 calories. This is my treat often.

I am losing very slowly now. I have stopped walking. It’s so damn hot. Even early in the morning it’s already almost 90deg. I should start setting my alarm an hour early but I don’t know that I will.. ya.. sleep IS important to me. I like to wake naturally. I wake up almost exactly the same time every day.. around 6:50am. Like clockwork.

By the time I get that genius that I married up and ready (pour espresso in him~!) and his breakfast and lunch good to go.. It’s already after 9:30am. (he is HARD to wake up.. he’s a night owl, stays up till at least 2am every night.

He is one of those crazy brilliant (seriously, he is a certified genius!) people that don’t need much sleep – well he gets by fine on 5 or so hours. I don’t know how he does it but after 12 years of marriage I know he does.

Geeze I am rambling… I was talking about how late it usually is by the time I get him out the door. It’s too fracking hot for me by then. I SHOULD start working out to a video at home.. but right now I am just dieting.

I am so damn tired of looking matronly. I have got to get this weight OFF!

Don’t have bunches more to say really yet today. Lots of stuff to do around the house. Got to get to it!
Have a great day my lovely friends! More later….